Notable Quotes
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The Gong Show was the greatest scam of all time. It was simple: We wanted to do a talent show. There weren't any venues for acts back then. We were gonna have a show of new, fresh, good acts. But we couldn't find any; they were all lousy. So rather than throw away the idea, I said, "Let's reverse it. Let's do lousy acts." Now, is that a scam? I'm telling you.

CHUCK BARRIS, Esquire, Jan. 2003

Fifty percent of something is better than than one hundred percent of nothing.

CHUCK BARRIS, You and Me, Babe

God's camera takes snapshots that don't fall into your hand like Polaroids do. They pop right into your head and stay there forever.

CHUCK BARRIS, Della: A Memoir of My Daughter

One day you wake up and you're old as shit.

CHUCK BARRIS, Esquire, Jan. 2003

Helplessness is such a rotten feeling. There's nothing you can do about it. Being helpless is like being paralyzed. It's sickness. The cure calls for a monumental effort to stand up and start walking somewhere, anywhere. But that takes some doing.

CHUCK BARRIS, You and Me, Babe

It was June 1980. I was standing in front of a full-length mirror studying my body. What I saw didn't please me. My face was full of deep wrinkles and lines, while the top of my forehead sported hairless patches of skin; vacant and deathly white chunks of scalp that, I realized with a certain amount of terror, could no longer be camouflaged by deft parting and combing. It was very depressing.

CHUCK BARRIS, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Tough love? That's bullshit. You love your kid and you keep on loving your kid. You take your kid back no matter what, and you keep on taking your kid back. Once, twice, a hundred times. The tough-love philosophy tells you to give your kid a million bucks and say, Don't come home until you're clean. Well, I did that. I gave my daughter a million bucks. She never got clean, and she never came home. She died.

CHUCK BARRIS, Esquire, Jan. 2003

How can you not have any regrets? It's impossible. No regrets? Bullshit. I don't believe anybody who tells me that.

CHUCK BARRIS, Esquire, Jan. 2003

If you stick in the business of being creative, you get hurt. And creative disappointment seems so much harder to take than any other kind. But if you're not prepared to get hurt like that, life can be pretty boring. I think I'm going to keep on going.

CHUCK BARRIS, The Guardian, Mar. 3, 2003

I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It's called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator.

CHUCK BARRIS, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind


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