DAVE BARRY QUOTES II

U.S. author & humorist (1947- )

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I never could get into traditional hobbies, like religion or stamp collecting. I mean, the way you collect stamps is: Every week or so the Postal Service dreams up a new stamp to mark National Peat Bog Awareness Month, or whatever, and you rush down and clog the Post Office lines to buy a batch of these stamps, but instead of putting them to a useful purpose such as mailing toxic spiders to the Publisher's Clearing House, you take them home and just sort of have them. Am I right? And then the biggest thrill, as I understand it, the real payoff, comes when you get lucky and collect a stamp on which the Postal Service has made a mistake, such as instead of "Peat Bog" it prints "Beat Pog," which causes stamp collectors to just about wet their polyester pants.

DAVE BARRY

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Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "How in a free country such as this, can we ban video games and golf, yet continue to permit stamp collecting?"

DAVE BARRY

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I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.

DAVE BARRY

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Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive umpire.

DAVE BARRY

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What Dad means by "see" of course, is "drive past at 67 miles per hour." Dad feels it is a foolish waste of valuable vacation time to get out of the car and actually go look at an attraction.

DAVE BARRY

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We travel because, no matter how comfortable we are at home, there's a part of us that wants--that needs--to see new vistas, take new tours, obtain new traveler's checks, buy new souvenirs, order new entrees, introduce new bacteria into our intestinal tracts, learn new words for "transfusion," and have all the other travel adventures that make us want to french-kiss our doormats when we finally get home.

DAVE BARRY

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Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

DAVE BARRY

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Americans did very little ski jumping until the television program "Wide World of Sports" began showing a promotional film snippet in which a ski jumper hurtles off the edge of the chute, completely out of control, with various important organs flying out of his body.... Fitness buffs saw this and realized that any activity with such great potential for being fatal must be very good for you, so the sport began to catch on.

DAVE BARRY

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Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

DAVE BARRY

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Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms -- so familiar at this time of year -- can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain.

DAVE BARRY

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It would be hard to conceive of any activity more useless than stamp collecting.

DAVE BARRY

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In 1980 the Democrats were pretty much stuck with Jimmy Carter and Walter Mondale, who ran under the slogan "Four More Years?" The Republicans, meanwhile, had a spirited primary campaign season, which came down to a duel between Reagan and George Herbert Walker Norris Wainright Armoire Vestibule Pomegranate Bush IV, who had achieved a distinguished record of public service despite having a voice that sounded like he had just inhaled an entire blimp-load of helium.

DAVE BARRY

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Guys are born with a fundamental, genetically transmitted mental condition known to psychologists as the Fear That if You Get Married, Some Single Guy, Somewhere, Will Be Having More Fun Than You.

DAVE BARRY

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The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

DAVE BARRY

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Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

DAVE BARRY

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Do you remember that little vent that cars used to have on the front windows, so on coolish days you could let a little fresh air in without causing a big draft? WHO THE HELL TOOK THAT LITTLE VENT AWAY?

DAVE BARRY

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We must always remember that, as Americans, we all have a common enemy -- an enemy that is dangerous, powerful and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.

DAVE BARRY

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Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

DAVE BARRY

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There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater, you realize that you've been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent.

DAVE BARRY

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