English journalist (1932-1997)
My misdeeds are accidental happenings and merely the result of having been in the wrong bar or bed at the wrong time, say most days between midday and midnight.
JEFFREY BERNARD
The Spectator, July 18, 1992
Oh, the self-importance of fading stars. Never mind, they will be black holes one day.
JEFFREY BERNARD
The Spectator, July 18, 1992
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
JEFFREY BERNARD
attributed, Biteback Dictionary of Humorous Sporting Quotations
When I was a boy, I naively thought that this thing called happiness would be something I would wake up to find every day once I could smoke, drink and fornicate.
JEFFREY BERNARD
Reach for the Ground: the Downhill Struggle of Jeffrey Bernard
I have been commissioned to write an autobiography and I would be grateful to any of your readers who could tell me what I was doing between 1960 and 1974.
JEFFREY BERNARD
attributed, An A-Z of Hellraisers
I once had to dispense with a literary agent because she drank too much. She was very surprised but I pointed out to her, quite logically I thought, that one of us had to be sober and it certainly wan't going to be me.
JEFFREY BERNARD
The Spectator, October 29, 1988
Give someone half a page in a newspaper and they think they own the world.
JEFFREY BERNARD
attributed, The Concise Columbia Dictionary of Quotations
As for asking me have I ever felt remorse after drinking, I have been living with remorse for years now. She wakes me up every morning. She puts me to bed at night and yea though I run through the valley of Oxford St to the Coach & Horses she is by my side.
JEFFREY BERNARD
The Spectator, April 10, 1986
Take my last wife. We get on like a house on fire. Last week she took me out to a splendid dinner, she buys me presents, calls me 'old bean' and even phones the Coach and Horses to see whether I've snuffed it or not. But final and damning proof of the failure of our divorce is that she still laughs at my jokes. I wouldn't swap her for a wife.
JEFFREY BERNARD
Low Life: Irreverent Reflections from the Bottom of a Glass
Yes, I don't think hell will be a lot different from where I'm at now. In fact I'm fairly well convinced that I died in 1932 and this is it. I mean, just look at Norman in the Coach. All he needs is a trident in one hand -- I must get him to take his shoes off to see if he's got cloven hooves -- and there's your devil.
JEFFREY BERNARD
Low Life: Irreverent Reflections from the Bottom of a Glass
Incidentally, I don't see why the wine is as expensive as it is in the country that makes the stuff. Perhaps they can see you coming.
JEFFREY BERNARD
Low Life: Irreverent Reflections from the Bottom of a Glass
Journalism is a function, like going to the lavatory, best done at home and not talked about.
JEFFREY BERNARD
Low Life: Irreverent Reflections from the Bottom of a Glass
Life is far too short to bear malice, I always say. You play the cards you're dealt, as I did once with Richard Harris at Shepperton Studios. The fact that I lost every penny I had -- he wouldn't play house rules -- and that he wouldn't even give me the fare home matters not a fig and is now so blurred in my memory it is hardly worth mentioning.
JEFFREY BERNARD
Low Life: Irreverent Reflections from the Bottom of a Glass
Journalism is the only thinkable alternative to working.
JEFFREY BERNARD
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners