I had to do something. I was so wrinkled, I could screw my hats on.

I've got a body that just won't start.

I went into the dress department. I told the lady I was a medium. Well, she wanted me to contact her dead uncle Fred.

My body's in such bad shape, I wear prescription underwear.

Laughing is a wonderful thing. It's the most healthful thing you can do this side of walking.

One night, I answered the door with a broom in my hand. A guy tried to sell me flight insurance.

An aspiring stand-up comic, male or female, should work whenever possible. Audience. What you need is an audience. You're gonna learn everything you need to know from the audience. When they laugh, you're a winner. When they don't laugh, you're a loser. So it's very simple.

I finally had a ship tattooed on my chest. I wanted SOMETHING on it.

With me, the most embarassing thing about [being] old are my grandchildren. They take me to the beach and they try to make words out of the veins in my legs. Little bastards.

I consider "working mother" the most hideous redundancy.

Would you believe I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get well cards.