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JIMMY FALLON QUOTES

Jimmy Fallon quote

Hurricane Irene ... the storm was huge news. In fact, the Weather Channel reported something they haven't seen in years. Viewers.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Aug. 29, 2011

Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there’s any justice, the minute they’re done building it, God will introduce a newer, smaller sun that’s not compatible with their machinery.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Nov. 1, 2011

A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing snakes down his pants at a pet store. The good news is when he got to prison ten guys offered to stuff more snakes down his pants.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Aug. 29, 2011

Researchers in the U.K. have developed a vegetable called “super broccoli” designed to fight heart disease. Not to be outdone, researchers in America have developed a way to stuff an Oreo inside another Oreo.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Oct. 5, 2011

Today Google celebrated its 13th anniversary.... That’s right, Google turned 13 years old. Which explains why today when I searched for something, Google was just like, “I don’t know. Stop asking me questions! I’m going upstairs.”

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Sep. 27, 2011

A new study found that a mother’s diet affects her baby’s allergies. Which can only mean one thing: My mom ate cats.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Sep. 12, 2011

The Senate is doing its first-ever Secret Santa gift exchange this year. Yeah, there’s a $10 spending limit, but they plan to go $14 trillion over budget.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Dec. 2, 2011

A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world's oldest divorced couple. It's got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Jan. 4, 2012

Department store Santas are apparently being trained to lower children’s expectations about toys because of the recession. Yeah, it’s weird when you ask Santa for a train set and he’s like, ‘Yeah, how ‘bout a bus token?’

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Nov. 30, 2011

A police officer in Florida could lose her job after she tried to cast a spell on her boss. Yeah, when asked for comment, her boss was like, “Ribbit.”

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Dec. 2, 2011

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Sep. 26, 2011

NASA is developing space taxis to shuttle astronauts to the International Space Station. And just like New York taxis, they’re all going to be driven by aliens.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Sep. 22, 2011

The Department of Agriculture announced that it will ban six new strains of E. coli. Which explains why the hot dog vendor outside my building is now just selling napkins.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Sep. 13, 2011

Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that's a good way to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Sep. 21, 2011

Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Jan. 20, 2012

There’s a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That’s ridiculous. I don’t need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Jan. 20, 2012

Happy birthday to Arnold Palmer, who turned 82. That’s 41 years iced tea and 41 years lemonade.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Sep. 9, 2011

A new study found that women gain more weight after marriage, but men gain more weight after a divorce. Yeah, the divorce usually takes place after men point out that women gained more weight after marriage.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Aug. 30, 2011

A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Aug. 3, 2011

Disney World is celebrating its 40th birthday! You can tell the characters are getting old. In addition to Snow White’s seven dwarfs, she now has 25 cats.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Sep. 27, 2011

Starbucks is planning to close down all the restrooms in its New York locations. Which explains the most popular new Starbucks order: An empty cup.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Nov. 18, 2011

I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy named “Jihad.” Or as the TSA put it, “Hope you like Amtrak!”

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Nov. 28, 2011

A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Jan. 31, 2012

A recent study found that people lie more when they are texting. Yeah, especially that one lie: "Sorry, just got your text!"

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Feb. 7, 2012

After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Aug. 11, 2011

I read that yesterday, the Mexican peso hit its lowest point since March of 2009. In fact, things got so bad, it was seen leaving a bar with the American dollar.

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Sep. 23, 2011

A man in Georgia was arrested for burglary after he left his Facebook account open on the victim’s computer. But this is nice: He’s only been in jail a few hours, and his status already says “In a Relationship!”

JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Nov. 28, 2011


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