GROUCHO MARX, as quoted in Woman's Day Magazine, May 8, 2007
You probably are not aware of it but you and I have a completely different conception of me. You regard me as a kind of ancient crone--a talkative old chatterbox who upon the receipt of any kind of news--no matter how trivial--breathlessly rushes out to broadcast it to the world at large. I, on the other hand, regard myself as a mute stoic, silent as the Sphinx--a graven image, who, even if burning fagots were applied to his bare feet, would never reveal the slightest information to anyone. Perhaps I fit somewhere between these two poles.
GROUCHO MARX, letter to "Sheek" (Arthur Sheekman), Feb. 15, 1955
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
GROUCHO MARX, attributed, Wise Words and Quotes
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
GROUCHO MARX, attributed, Halliwell's Filmgoer's Companion
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX, attributed, Philosophy on the Go
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
GROUCHO MARX, letter to S. J. Perelman
Humor is reason gone mad.
GROUCHO MARX, attributed, The Laughter Prescription
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
GROUCHO MARX, attributed, Try and Stop Me
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.