The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then get elected and prove it.
P.J. O'ROURKE, Holidays in Hell
The principal feature of American liberalism is sanctimoniousness. By loudly denouncing all bad thingswar and hunger and date rapeliberals testify to their own terrific goodness. More important, they promote themselves to membership in a self-selecting elite of those who care deeply about such things.... It's a kind of natural aristocracy, and the wonderful thing about this aristocracy is that you don't have to be brave, smart, strong or even lucky to join it, you just have to be liberal.
P.J. O'ROURKE, Give War a Chance
One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver's license.
P.J. O'ROURKE, Rolling Stone, Nov. 1989
The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look.
Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race. All through history mankind has been bullied by scum. Those who lord it over their fellows and toss commands in every direction and would boss the grass in the meadow about which way to bend in the wind are the most depraved kind of prostitutes. They will submit to any indignity, perform any vile act, do anything to achieve power. The worst off-sloughings of the planet are the ingredients of sovereignty. Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy the whores are us.
The difference between American parties is actually simple. Democrats are in favor of higher taxes to pay for greater spending, while Republicans are in favor of greater spending, for which the taxpayers will pay.
P. J. O'ROURKE, attributed, "Letter to Our European Friends", February 4, 2008
We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it.
P. J. O'ROURKE, Parliament of Whores
There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.
P. J. O'ROURKE, The Liberty Manifesto
A fundamental American question is, "What's the big idea?"
P. J. O'ROURKE, Peace Kills: America's Fun New Imperialism
A hat should be taken off when greeting a lady, and left off the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.
P. J. O'ROURKE, Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People
There is parody, when you make fun of people who are smarter than you; satire, when you make fun of people who are richer than you; and burlesque, when you make fun of both while taking your clothes off.