Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger ... but I love you now.
ANONYMOUS
I'm a nervous flyer, and it doesn't make it any easier when I get to the airport and see the sign TERMINAL.
ANONYMOUS
Life has never given me lemons. It has given me anger issues, anxiety, a love for alcohol and a serious dislike for stupid people. But not lemons.
ANONYMOUS
Sometimes when you think the storm is coming to rain on your parade, it's actually there to water your garden.
ANONYMOUS
During sex it's perfectly fine to say "YEAH", "YES", and "OH YES", but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming "YEP"?
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Everyone is a reader.... Some just haven't found their book yet.
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The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.
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Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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Reputation is made in a moment. Character is built in a lifetime.
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You'll never find a rainbow if you're staring at your feet.
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A teenager is someone who is well prepared for a zombie attack but not ready for tomorrow's math test.
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Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records.
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If hindsight of some women was as good as their foresight, they wouldn't be wearing slacks.
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My only hobby is laziness, which naturally rules out all others.
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Counting other people's sins does not make you a saint.
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Don't worry about people who don't worry about you.
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My alarm tells me you're in my house. My gun tells me not for long.
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Retirement: World's longest coffee break.
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