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ERMA BOMBECK QUOTES

American humorist (1927-1996)

In retrospect, it was only a matter of time before the Family Dinner passed into history and fast foods took over. I knew its days were numbered the day our youngest propped my mouth open with a fork and yelled into it, "I want a cheeseburger and two fries and get it right this time." I just didn't serve meals with show business pizzazz.

ERMA BOMBECK, Family: The Ties that Bind--and Gag!

Men who have a thirty-six-televised-football-games-a-week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.

ERMA BOMBECK, I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal Depression

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

ERMA BOMBECK, attributed, Words from the Wise

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you" to dessert that night. And for what?!

ERMA BOMBECK, Woman's Day Magazine, Nov. 13, 2007

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.

ERMA BOMBECK, San Francisco Examiner, Oct. 1, 1978

Raising a family wasn't something I put on my resumé, but I have to ask myself, would I apply for the same job again?

ERMA BOMBECK, Family: The Ties that Bind--and Gag!

I wanted to go to a place where you were important and people listened to what you had to say. Mothering hadn't done that ... and yet ... wouldn't it be ironic if my turf yielded the most important commodity being grown today? A family? A crop of children, seeded by two people, nourished by love, watered by tears, and in eighteen or twenty years harvested into worthwhile human beings to go through the process again.

ERMA BOMBECK, Family: The Ties that Bind--and Gag!

He who laughs ... lasts.

ERMA BOMBECK, Forever, Erma

It is upsetting to many parents that their teen-agers introduce them to their friends as encyclopedia salesmen who are just passing through ... if they introduce them at all. I have some acquaintances who hover in dark parking lots, enter church separately and crouch in furnace rooms so their teen-agers will not be accused of having parents.

ERMA BOMBECK, Just Wait Till You Have Children of Your Own!

There were really only two men I knew who ever got a laugh out of paying their income taxes. One was cheating the government and getting away with it. The other had a sick sense of humor and would probably have set up a concession stand at the Boston Tea Party and sold sugar cubes and lemon slices.

ERMA BOMBECK, At Wit's End

Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant.

ERMA BOMBECK, Family: The Ties that Bind ... And Gag!

I question the value of name tags as an aid to future identification. I have approached too many people who have spent the entire evening talking to my left bosom. I always have the insane desire to name the other one.

ERMA BOMBECK, I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal Depression

Let us hope manufacturers can come up with a diaper that is environmentally sound. To go back to cloth would send us back to the day when breathing and raising a baby at the same time were incompatible.

ERMA BOMBECK, Forever, Erma

I've got to bring out the big ammunition on sex education. The bra and girdle section of Sears just isn't doing it.

ERMA BOMBECK, Just Wait Till You Have Children of Your Own!

Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.

ERMA BOMBECK, Family: The Ties that Bind ... And Gag!

I remember thinking how often we look, but never see ... we listen, but never hear ... we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive.

ERMA BOMBECK, A Marriage Made In Heaven; or, Too Tired For an Affair

Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.

ERMA BOMBECK, Family: The Ties that Bind ... And Gag!

I think one of the real tests of a stable marriage is being married to a man who worships at the shrine of burnt food -- the back-yard chef.

ERMA BOMBECK, I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal Depression

There is a rumor that seven states are considering overpruning as a cause for divorce, second only to incompatibility and adultery. I hope our state is one of them. No judge would dare deny me freedom after he heard the story of my privet hedge.

ERMA BOMBECK, Forever, Erma

Children should be judged on what they are -- a punishment for an early marriage.

ERMA BOMBECK, I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal Depression

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.

ERMA BOMBECK, Family: The Ties that Bind ... And Gag!

I've exercised with women so thin, buzzards followed them to their cars.

ERMA BOMBECK, Forever, Erma

You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.

ERMA BOMBECK, Family: The Ties that Bind ... And Gag!

In the minds of women, fatherhood used to be considered a part-time job. It was something men did at the end of the day between parking the car for the night and going to bed.

ERMA BOMBECK, Forever, Erma

Grandmas defy description. They really do. They occupy such a unique place in the life of a child. They can shed the yoke of responsibility, relax, and enjoy their grandchildren in a way that was not possible when they were raising their own children. And they can glow in the realization that here is their seed of life that will harvest generations to come.

ERMA BOMBECK, At Wit's End

Sex is only a three-letter word so how can it be dirty?

ERMA BOMBECK, Just Wait Till You Have Children of Your Own!

I think it's time we women stopped carrying supplies for the entire family. If children don't have room to carry their own toys, if men don't have pockets in their pants, tougho.

ERMA BOMBECK, Forever, Erma

People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it's no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.

ERMA BOMBECK, I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal Depression

Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed.

ERMA BOMBECK, attributed, The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Right Words for Any Occasion

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

ERMA BOMBECK, attributed, The Mammoth Book of Zingers

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

ERMA BOMBECK, attributed, On Being Blonde: Wit and Wisdom from the World's Most Infamous Blondes

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

ERMA BOMBECK, attributed, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Fatherhood

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

ERMA BOMBECK, attributed, And I Quote


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