American humorist (1927-1996)
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
ERMA BOMBECK
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Zingers
Memory deficiency got so bad with me, I forgot to repeat a piece of gossip I swore on my Grandmother's Grave never to divulge.
ERMA BOMBECK
Aunt Emma's Cope Book
When the lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.
ERMA BOMBECK
If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?
I remember thinking how often we look, but never see ... we listen, but never hear ... we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive.
ERMA BOMBECK
A Marriage Made In Heaven; or, Too Tired For an Affair
You always hear about fashion's success stories. How a starlet lost an earring one night and by the next morning, the entire country was wearing one earring. Or how sweaters made a comeback in a drugstore, or a First Lady influenced how we dressed during her reign. But what about the losers? The fashions that came and went out the same day? The hopes and dreams of designers that were shattered by the sound of fifty million women ... laughing themselves to death.
ERMA BOMBECK
If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?
A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.
ERMA BOMBECK
Just Wait Till You Have Children of Your Own!
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
ERMA BOMBECK
attributed, Chicken Soup for the Entrepreneur's Soul
Laugh now, cry later.
ERMA BOMBECK
The Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank
I figured out long ago that guilt was like mothers. Everyone in the world had at least one. And it was passed down like a torch to the next generation.
ERMA BOMBECK
Aunt Erma's Cope Book
When Humor goes, there goes civilization.
ERMA BOMBECK
attributed, On Being Blonde: Wit and Wisdom from the World's Most Infamous Blondes
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
ERMA BOMBECK
attributed, This Is Not the Life I Ordered
It was Halloween that did me in, that single day when your children turn to you for imagination and creativity, the one day of the year when you must transcend fantasy.
ERMA BOMBECK
Forever Erma
Men return from the facilities and seem embarrassed to discuss where they've been. They never hear any gossip. Never see any celebrities. Never find out if the fish on the menu is frozen or that the blond waitress is married to the drummer, who is jealous. To women, a rest room is an adventure.
ERMA BOMBECK
Forever Erma
If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
ERMA BOMBECK
Reader's Digest, 1982
I have never understood, for example, how come a child can climb up on the roof, scale the TV antenna, and rescue the cat ... yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance.
ERMA BOMBECK
If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me."
ERMA BOMBECK
attributed, Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
ERMA BOMBECK
attributed, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Fatherhood
A fitting room to me has always been like a confessional ... where my body and my contrition take up the entire room.
ERMA BOMBECK
If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?