American artist, poet & humorist (1866-1951)
Tell not thy previous loves to a woman, lest she also telleth thee hers.
GELETT BURGESS
The Maxims of Methuselah
The fear of women is the beginning of knowledge.
GELETT BURGESS
The Maxims of Methuselah
Son, heed my instruction, and apply thyself to know women; let thine eyes observe her when she is with another, for what she doeth with him, she will do with thee, also.
GELETT BURGESS
The Maxims of Methuselah
We may not care to play the part of public jesters ourselves, but the least we can do is to be grateful to those who are willing to become absurd for our benefit. Patronize them daintily, therefore, lest they backslide into propriety.
GELETT BURGESS
The Romance of the Commonplace
If thou makest a statement concerning women, lo, she shall immediately try to disprove it straightway. She goeth by contraries.
GELETT BURGESS
The Maxims of Methuselah
Men do foolish things thoughtlessly, knowing not why; but no woman doeth aught without a reason.
GELETT BURGESS
The Maxims of Methuselah
I never saw a purple cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I'd rather see than be one!
GELETT BURGESS
"The Purple Cow"
A woman findeth in her last lover much of her first love; but a man seeth his next-to-the-last love, alway.
GELETT BURGESS
The Maxims of Methuselah
The world is full of women, and the women full of wile; so that a man, if he goeth not warily withal, shall surely fall a prey thereunto.
GELETT BURGESS
The Maxims of Methuselah
A fair sprinkling of fools in the world is as enlivening as a pinch of salt in a loaf of bread. They give a relish to life, and flavour with a brisk spicery of nonsense what would otherwise be oppressively flat. Civilized existence, if it were always cooked up and served to us by Mrs. Grundy herself, would be unpalatable enough; but luckily her infallible recipes are not always carried out, and a few plums and cloves get into her pudding.
GELETT BURGESS
The Romance of the Commonplace
My son, beware of a plain damsel who charmeth thee, for she needeth much wile, and useth diverse weapons.
GELETT BURGESS
The Maxims of Methuselah
Beware of a woman who signeth not her name to her letters; she will bear watching, aye, she hath a past.
GELETT BURGESS
The Maxims of Methuselah
Ah, yes, I wrote the "Purple Cow"--
I'm Sorry, now, I wrote it;
But I can tell you Anyhow
I'll Kill you if you Quote it!
GELETT BURGESS
"Confession"
To appreciate nonsense requires a serious interest in life.
GELETT BURGESS
"The Sense of Humor", The Romance of the Commonplace
The desire to tell secrets is one of the most contagious of diseases, and few of us are immune. Some vigorous moral constitutions never succumb, but once an epidemic begins, it is well nigh irresistible. Tell your secret, then, broadcast, and let it have its way until it dies out, or else lock it in your own heart. But above all confide it not to her who asserts that she never has the slightest desire to tell, for there, like a seed sown in fertile ground, it will germinate and flower long after you have forgotten it, aye, and bring forth fruit you never planted.
GELETT BURGESS
The Romance of the Commonplace
A reproof entereth more into a woman of sense than an hundred compliments into a fool.
GELETT BURGESS
The Maxims of Methuselah
All life is made up of trivial actions.... Every one of them leaves its little trace. Whether you are tracking a bear by its footprints through the forest, or a criminal through his nefarious deeds, it is the same thing. Both leave their spoor behind.
GELETT BURGESS
The Master of Mysteries
The three quickest ways of communication, cynics say, are telephone, telegraph, and tell-a-woman.
GELETT BURGESS
The Romance of the Commonplace
Woo her not till thou hast seen her mother, for a score of years worketh wonders.
GELETT BURGESS
The Maxims of Methuselah
As a rule, man's a fool;
When it's hot he wants it cool,
When it's cool he wants it hot,
Always wanting what is not.
GELETT BURGESS
The Reign of Queen Isyl