In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD, It's Not Easy Bein' Me
I was born at home on newspapers ... I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse
A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.
JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Feb. 1, 2012
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
JOHNNY CARSON, The Tonight Show
Beauty is Nature in perfection; circularity is its chief attribute. Behold the full moon, the enchanting golf ball, the domes of splendid temples, the huckleberry pie, the wedding ring, the circus ring, the ring for the waiter, and the "round" of drinks.
O. HENRY, "Squaring the Circle"
To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
OSCAR WILDE, The Picture of Dorian Gray
Any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!"
BILLY BURR, stand-up routine
Between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before.
A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.
JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Aug. 3, 2011
Don't blame yourself. The apocalypse wasn't your fault. Actually, it was just as much your fault as it was anyone else's. Come to think of it, if you're an American, it was probably about 80-90 percent more your fault than the average human. But don't let that get you down. It wasn't exclusively your fault. Unless you're the president. Then it might be your fault. But you'll have plenty of interns to tell you that it wasn't, so you'll be fine.
MEGHANN MARCO, Field Guide to the Apocalypse
Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.
BILL COSBY, The Joplin Globe, Apr. 7, 2007
Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you" to dessert that night. And for what?!
ERMA BOMBECK, Woman's Day Magazine, Nov. 13, 2007
Three has always been tougher than Two. Think of any of your famous threesomes. The Three Stooges? Look at the anger there. My bet is that before Curly was born, Moe and Larry could play together for hours without even a single poke in the eye. Huey, Dewey, and Louie? Donald Duck never had a moment's peace. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly? I rest my case.
Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there’s any justice, the minute they’re done building it, God will introduce a newer, smaller sun that’s not compatible with their machinery.
JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Nov. 1, 2011
Here’s what I don’t understand about rioting. If you’re going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Aug. 10, 2011
There's lotion for your face, for your hands, for your feet, for your body. Why? What would happen if you put hand lotion on your feet? Would your feet get confused and start clapping? Each kind has something special in it -- aloe, shea butter, coconut, cocoa butter, vanilla, lemon extract. That's not lotion. That's one ingredient short of a Bundt cake.
ELLEN DEGENERES, Good Housekeeping, Oct. 2011
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
DOUG LARSON, attributed, Words from the Wise
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER, attributed, Women in Comedy
I've been on a diet for two weeks, and all I've lost is 14 days.
TOTIE FIELDS, Woman's Day, Aug. 2011
Today Lindsay Lohan's judge switched her from formal probation to informal probation for her shoplifting arrest. Informal probation is similar to formal probation but you can wear flip-flops.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Mar. 29, 2012
According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.
JAY LENO, The Tonight Show, Sep. 6, 2011
Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that's a good way to honor Lincoln by sending people to the theater.
JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Sep. 21, 2011
A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I’m pretty sure this is why we're falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids' costumes.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Nov. 1, 2011
I question the value of name tags as an aid to future identification. I have approached too many people who have spent the entire evening talking to my left bosom. I always have the insane desire to name the other one.
ERMA BOMBECK, I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal Depression
Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if," so you haven't established or proved without any shadow of a doubt that a woodchuck could chuck wood. Frankly, I believe that they chew wood. I don't think they can chuck wood at all! I take offense to the whole chucking question.
TIM ALLEN, Laugh Factory Magazine, 1994
A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.
JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Jan. 31, 2012
My hair is always at its best in New York. I don't know what's in the water. It could be mousse.
ELLEN DEGENERES, TV Guide, Nov. 21-27, 2005
This week a solar-powered plane attempted to fly more than 1,500 miles. It was going great until the plane encountered one technical problem night.
JIMMY FALLON, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, May 28, 2012
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Peninsula Daily News, Aug. 21, 2012
Now we play the waiting game. [long pause] Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!
HOMER SIMPSON, "Mr. Plow", The Simpsons
The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.
JAY LENO, The Tonight Show, Apr. 4, 2012