FUNNY QUOTES II

quotations to make you laugh

The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.

JAY LENO

The Tonight Show, Apr. 4, 2012


I once had to dispense with a literary agent because she drank too much. She was very surprised but I pointed out to her, quite logically I thought, that one of us had to be sober and it certainly wan't going to be me.

JEFFREY BERNARD

The Spectator, October 29, 1988

Tags: Jeffrey Bernard


I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

STEVEN WRIGHT

Steven Wright Special, 1985


I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.

RITA RUDNER

stand-up routine


Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Arkansas? Everyone has the same DNA!

ANONYMOUS


I question the value of name tags as an aid to future identification. I have approached too many people who have spent the entire evening talking to my left bosom. I always have the insane desire to name the other one.

ERMA BOMBECK

I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal Depression


A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.

JIMMY FALLON

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Feb. 1, 2012


Three has always been tougher than Two. Think of any of your famous threesomes. The Three Stooges? Look at the anger there. My bet is that before Curly was born, Moe and Larry could play together for hours without even a single poke in the eye. Huey, Dewey, and Louie? Donald Duck never had a moment's peace. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly? I rest my case.

PAUL REISER

Babyhood


This week a solar-powered plane attempted to fly more than 1,500 miles. It was going great until the plane encountered one technical problem -- night.

JIMMY FALLON

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, May 28, 2012


I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

ANONYMOUS


To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

OSCAR WILDE

The Picture of Dorian Gray


I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

STEVEN WRIGHT

Steven Wright Special, 1985


Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns. He should be drawn and quoted.

FRED ALLEN

attributed, Dictionary of Quotations in Communications


When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.

STEVEN WRIGHT

I Have a Pony


If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

JERRY SEINFELD

attributed, The Mammoth Book of One-Liners


Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Arkansas? They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin!

ANONYMOUS


People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

ANONYMOUS


I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.

PHYLLIS DILLER

Peninsula Daily News, Aug. 21, 2012


I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

MITCH HEDBERG

attributed, The Encyclopedia of Misinformation


A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.

JIMMY FALLON

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Jan. 31, 2012