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American comedian & tv host (1963- )

Conan O'Brien quote

The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Jan. 9, 2012

Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.


Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it's my least favorite quality. It's doesn't lead anywhere. No one in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.

CONAN O'BRIEN, The Tonight Show, Jan. 22, 2010

Today President Obama is visiting the hometown of House Speaker John Boehner. Obama plans to give a speech and then visit the tanning bed that Boehner grew up in.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Sep. 22, 2011

The oil industry says that if they are allowed to drill more, they can create a million jobs. Of course, most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off of ducks.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Sep. 7, 2011

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Dec. 7, 2011

Toyota's getting a lot of attention. Yeah, Toyota has unveiled a new state of the art design for a car of the future. Yeah. The car is so advanced that when it's recalled it can actually drive itself back to the Toyota dealer.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Nov. 29, 2011

According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That’s right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Jul. 28, 2011

There’s a new social network just for senior citizens. Actually, we’re just sending them to MySpace and telling them it’s new.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Jul. 21, 2011

Several Fox News hosts criticized “Spongebob Squarepants” for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see “Dora the Explorer’s” immigration papers.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Aug. 4, 2011

The Pentagon has allowed women to serve in combat. Yeah, the hope is that we can now finally defeat the Taliban by giving them the silent treatment.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Jan. 24, 2013

Major League Baseball announced today that Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for 211 games. So if you're familiar with baseball's schedule, it means he'll be out for about a month. I think there are 10,000 games in a season.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Aug. 5, 2013

The reading scores on the SATs have reached an all time low. Or, as the headline put it, “SATs Be Most Baddest.”

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Sep. 21, 2011

NASCAR is trying some new initiatives to go green, including planting trees and using ethanol fuel. Most controversial is the idea of having NASCAR drivers carpool in the race.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Sep. 15, 2011

A woman gave birth on an airplane. The airline said that the woman and her new $40 carry-on are doing just fine.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Sep. 20, 2011

The tea party is forming its own debt super committee that will meet this week at a Florida Denny’s. You do not want to be the waiter that adds the tax to their check.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Sep. 21, 2011

Megan Fox is pregnant — which is weird because I didn't know I could impregnate someone with my thoughts.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Apr. 24, 2012

Apple unveiled the new iPad today. The new iPad apparently has only modest improvements over previous models — which of course means I will trample over my own mother to get one.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Mar. 7, 2012

The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Aug. 16, 2011

A German Olympic diver did one of the worst dives ever and got a score of 0.0. He tried to save face halfway through the dive. He yelled "cannon ball."

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Aug. 8, 2012

Disney World has announced plans to start serving alcohol. They're even going to introduce a new character — Extremely Buzzed Lightyear.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Sep. 20, 2012

According to a new report, the average Canadian is now richer than the average American. This is bad news for Americans and worse news for those Mexicans who now have to tunnel all the way to Canada.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Jul. 16, 2012

The New York Mets are planning to move the walls of Citi Field in order to increase the number of homeruns they hit. Call me old fashioned but isn't that what steroids are for?

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Nov. 2, 2011

Political analysts say the key voting bloc could be birth control moms. Birth control moms are women who use birth control but apparently not correctly.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Feb. 21, 2012

Studies are showing that Republican candidates are buying a lot of their ad time on the Weather Channel. You can tell because last night, the weatherman blamed the cold front on immigration and gay marriage.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Jan. 31, 2012

It's been projected that Americans will spend over $13 billion this Valentine's Day. And guys who forget Valentine's Day will spend over $100 billion.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Feb. 13, 2012

The theory behind the Freudian slip has been scientifically proven after 111 years. I think that's the breast news I heard all week.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Jun. 18, 2012

Taco Bell is launching a new upscale menu at all their restaurants. That's good news for anyone who has ever wanted to experience classy diarrhea.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Jun. 6, 2012

It's being reported that the U.S. military has created tiny drones the size and shape of insects. They don't kill anybody but they can totally ruin al-Qaida's summer picnic.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Jun. 20, 2012

Fast food chain Jack in the Box has introduced a bacon milk shake. Yeah. This is all part of Jack in the Box's new "Die Happy Meal."

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Feb. 7, 2012

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.

CONAN O'BRIEN, Conan, Sep. 13, 2011


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