American comedian (1894-1956)
Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, 20,000 Quips & Quotes
The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Concise Columbia Dictionary of Quotations
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
FRED ALLEN
Much Ado about Me
In the theater the actor had uncertainty, broken promises, constant travel and a gypsy existence. In radio, if you were successful, there was an assured season of work. The show could not close if there was nobody in the balcony. There was no travel and the actor could enjoy a permanent home. There may have been other advantages but I didn't need to know them.
FRED ALLEN
Treadmill to Oblivion
The world is a grindstone and life is your nose.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
An actor's success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The New Speaker's Treasury of Wit and Wisdom
A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
FRED ALLEN
Treadmill to Oblivion
Jack Benny's so cheap he wouldn't give you the parsley off his fish.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
Television is the triumph of machine over people.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, Make 'Em Laugh: The Funny Business of America
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, Dictionary of Quotations in Communications
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
FRED ALLEN
Fred Allen's Letters
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.
FRED ALLEN
Treadmill to Oblivion
A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Concise Columbia Dictionary of Quotations
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
FRED ALLEN
Much Ado About Me
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Portable Curmudgeon
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, A Speaker's Treasury