FRED ALLEN QUOTES

American comedian (1894-1956)

Fred Allen quote

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

attributed

John Robert Colombo's Popcorn in Paradise

Tags: Hollywood


The paths of glory lead but to the grave--also the paths of ignominy, profligacy and skullduggery.

FRED ALLEN

attributed, 20,000 Quips & Quotes

Tags: glory


Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns. He should be drawn and quoted.

FRED ALLEN

attributed, Dictionary of Quotations in Communications

Tags: funny


I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

FRED ALLEN

attributed, Books: Their History, Art, Power, Glory, Infamy and Suffering According to Their Creators, Friends and Enemies

Tags: writing, books


Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.

FRED ALLEN

attributed, Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions

Tags: Hollywood


An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

FRED ALLEN

Treadmill to Oblivion

Tags: advertising


In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.

FRED ALLEN

attributed, 20,000 Quips & Quotes

Tags: promises


A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to be well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

FRED ALLEN

Treadmill to Oblivion

Tags: fame


If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

FRED ALLEN

attributed, 20,000 Quips & Quotes

Tags: humanity


She used to be a schoolteacher, but she has no class now.

FRED ALLEN

Much Ado about Me

Tags: teaching


Vaudeville is dead. The acrobats, the animal acts, the dancers, the singers, and the old-time comedians have taken their final bows and disappeared into the wings of obscurity. For fifty years--from 1875 to 1925--vaudeville was the popular entertainment of the masses. Nomadic tribes of nondescript players roamed the land. The vaudeville actor was part gypsy and part suitcase. With his brash manner, flashy clothes, capes and cane, and accompanied by his gaudy womenfolk, the vaudevillian brought happiness and excitement to the communities he visited.

FRED ALLEN

Much Ado About Me


Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

FRED ALLEN

attributed, Raised on Radio

Tags: television


We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

FRED ALLEN

Treadmill to Oblivion

Tags: machines, technology


A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

FRED ALLEN

attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes


The British Board of Censors will not pass any seduction scene unless the seducer has one foot on the floor. Apparently sex in England is something like snooker.

FRED ALLEN

attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes

Tags: sex, censorship


He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.

FRED ALLEN

attributed, The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition


California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.

FRED ALLEN

American Magazine, Dec. 1945


After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirin.

FRED ALLEN

attributed, 20,000 Quips & Quotes


Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

FRED ALLEN

attributed, The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners

Tags: sin, church


A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

FRED ALLEN

attributed, Between You and Me: The Professional's Guide to Interpersonal Communication