FRED ALLEN QUOTES

American comedian (1894-1956)

Fred Allen quote

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

attributed, John Robert Colombo's Popcorn in Paradise

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Tags: Hollywood


Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.

FRED ALLEN, attributed, Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions

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Tags: Hollywood


Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns. He should be drawn and quoted.

FRED ALLEN, attributed, Dictionary of Quotations in Communications

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Tags: funny


A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

FRED ALLEN, attributed, Between You and Me: The Professional's Guide to Interpersonal Communication

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The British Board of Censors will not pass any seduction scene unless the seducer has one foot on the floor. Apparently sex in England is something like snooker.

FRED ALLEN, attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes

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Tags: sex, censorship


An actor's success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

FRED ALLEN, attributed, The New Speaker's Treasury of Wit and Wisdom

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Tags: actors, acting


An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

FRED ALLEN, attributed, The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners

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Tags: Hollywood


Vaudeville is dead. The acrobats, the animal acts, the dancers, the singers, and the old-time comedians have taken their final bows and disappeared into the wings of obscurity. For fifty years--from 1875 to 1925--vaudeville was the popular entertainment of the masses. Nomadic tribes of nondescript players roamed the land. The vaudeville actor was part gypsy and part suitcase. With his brash manner, flashy clothes, capes and cane, and accompanied by his gaudy womenfolk, the vaudevillian brought happiness and excitement to the communities he visited.

FRED ALLEN, Much Ado About Me

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The world is a grindstone and life is your nose.

FRED ALLEN, attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes

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Tags: life


Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

FRED ALLEN, attributed, Raised on Radio

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Tags: television


An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

FRED ALLEN, Treadmill to Oblivion

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Tags: advertising


In the theater the actor had uncertainty, broken promises, constant travel and a gypsy existence. In radio, if you were successful, there was an assured season of work. The show could not close if there was nobody in the balcony. There was no travel and the actor could enjoy a permanent home. There may have been other advantages but I didn't need to know them.

FRED ALLEN, Treadmill to Oblivion

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Tags: actors, theatre


I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

FRED ALLEN, Much Ado about Me

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Tags: family


A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

FRED ALLEN, attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes

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It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

FRED ALLEN, attributed, Dictionary of Quotations in Communications

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Tags: laughter


A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to be well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

FRED ALLEN, Treadmill to Oblivion

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Tags: fame


In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.

FRED ALLEN, attributed, 20,000 Quips & Quotes

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Tags: promises


Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

FRED ALLEN, Fred Allen's Letters

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Tags: life, death


I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

FRED ALLEN, attributed, Books: Their History, Art, Power, Glory, Infamy and Suffering According to Their Creators, Friends and Enemies

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Tags: writing, books


He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.

FRED ALLEN, attributed, The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition

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