HUMOROUS QUOTES

funny quotes & quotations

Humorous quote

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say "scientists"? I meant "Irish people."

TINA FEY

attributed, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes


Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

JIM CARREY

attributed, The Man Whisperer


To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune ... to lose both seems like carelessness.

OSCAR WILDE

The Importance of Being Earnest

Tags: Oscar Wilde


Never hold discussions with the monkeys when the organ grinder is in the room.

WINSTON CHURCHILL

attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes

Tags: Winston Churchill


Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

CONAN O'BRIEN

Tags: Conan O'Brien


Never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and truth.

HENRIK IBSEN

An Enemy of the People

Tags: Henrik Ibsen


Don't forget to grab a straw. Because you suck.

ANONYMOUS

Tags: anonymous quotes


A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

STEVEN WRIGHT

stand-up routine

Tags: Steven Wright


When you're having sex with somebody, you can say "yes", you can say "yeah", you can say "uh-huh." But for some reason you can't say "yep". Yep, oh, yep, baby. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep indeed!

DEMETRI MARTIN

stand-up routine


People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them: a paternity suit.

GEORGE BURNS

attributed, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes

Tags: George Burns


The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.

SLAPPY WHITE

attributed, The Mammoth Book of Zingers

Tags: Slappy White


I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

ERMA BOMBECK

Tags: Erma Bombeck


Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

GEORGE CARLIN

Doin' It Again

Tags: George Carlin


The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

ERMA BOMBECK

Tags: Erma Bombeck


What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

STEVEN WRIGHT

stand-up routine

Tags: Steven Wright


I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

STEVEN WRIGHT

stand-up routine

Tags: Steven Wright


I love working for myself; it's so empowering. Except when I call in sick. I always know when I'm lying.

RITA RUDNER

stand-up routine

Tags: Rita Rudner


If we're not supposed to eat animals ... how come they're made out of meat?

ANONYMOUS

Tags: Anonymous quotes


The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

PHYLLIS DILLER

Tags: Phyllis Diller


Thank you, hard taco shells, for surviving the long journey from factory, to supermarket, to my plate and then breaking the moment I put something inside you. Thank you.

JIMMY FALLON

The Tonight Show

Tags: Jimmy Fallon