When I was born, I was almost fourteen years old. That's why I was able to understand more easily than most what it was all about.
EUGENE IONESCO, Jack, or The Submission
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
Never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and truth.
HENRIK IBSEN, An Enemy of the People
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If we're not supposed to eat animals ... how come they're made out of meat?
Golf ... combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.
P.J. O'ROURKE, Modern Manners
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
MARK TWAIN, Mark Twain's Notebook
Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
STEVEN WRIGHT, stand-up routine
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.
SLAPPY WHITE, quoted in The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
MARK TWAIN, editorial in the Hartford Courant, Aug. 24, 1897
When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed.
To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune ... to lose both seems like carelessness.
OSCAR WILDE, The Importance of Being Earnest