HUMOROUS QUOTES
funny quotes & quotations
In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say "scientists"? I meant "Irish people."
TINA FEY
attributed, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes
To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune ... to lose both seems like carelessness.
OSCAR WILDE
The Importance of Being Earnest
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
JIM CARREY
attributed, The Man Whisperer
Never hold discussions with the monkeys when the organ grinder is in the room.
WINSTON CHURCHILL
attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes
A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.
STEVEN WRIGHT
stand-up routine
Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.
CONAN O'BRIEN
Never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and truth.
HENRIK IBSEN
An Enemy of the People
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN
Doin' It Again
When you're having sex with somebody, you can say "yes", you can say "yeah", you can say "uh-huh." But for some reason you can't say "yep". Yep, oh, yep, baby. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep indeed!
DEMETRI MARTIN
stand-up routine
Don't forget to grab a straw. Because you suck.
ANONYMOUS
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
STEVEN WRIGHT
stand-up routine
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.
SLAPPY WHITE
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Zingers
I love working for myself; it's so empowering. Except when I call in sick. I always know when I'm lying.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
If we're not supposed to eat animals ... how come they're made out of meat?
ANONYMOUS
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
ERMA BOMBECK
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
ERMA BOMBECK
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them: a paternity suit.
GEORGE BURNS
attributed, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
STEVEN WRIGHT
stand-up routine
The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLER
Thank you, hard taco shells, for surviving the long journey from factory, to supermarket, to my plate and then breaking the moment I put something inside you. Thank you.
JIMMY FALLON
The Tonight Show