HUMOROUS QUOTES II

funny quotes & quotations

Humorous quote

A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night.

JIMMY FALLON

The Tonight Show, January 25, 2018

Tags: Jimmy Fallon


Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with $2.50.

ANDREW DICE CLAY

stand-up routine


There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

CHRIS ROCK

stand-up routine


When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed.

SCOTT ADAMS

Dogbert

Tags: Scott Adams


My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

BILLY CONNOLLY

"These Are the 75 Funniest Quotes of All Time", Reader's Digest


Researchers just unveiled a robot that can play Scrabble. It's pretty realistic. It even gets bored halfway through and stops playing.

JIMMY FALLON

The Tonight Show, March 12, 2018

Tags: Jimmy Fallon


It's been "one of those days" for like 3 years now.

ANONYMOUS

Tags: Anonymous quotes


You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100.

WOODY ALLEN

attributed, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes

Tags: Woody Allen


Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world's lamest Ghostbuster. I am not afraid of no leaves.

JIMMY FALLON

The Tonight Show

Tags: Jimmy Fallon


Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.

MARK TWAIN

Mark Twain's Notebook

Tags: Mark Twain


The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.

OSCAR WILDE

Lord Arthur Savile's Crime

Tags: Oscar Wilde


Life has never given me lemons. It has given me anger issues, anxiety, a love for alcohol and a serious dislike for stupid people. But not lemons.

ANONYMOUS

Tags: anonymous quotes


I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.

ANONYMOUS

Tags: anonymous quotes


I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

DEMETRI MARTIN

stand-up routine


If no one ever took risks, Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor.

NEIL SIMON

attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes


Golf ... combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.

P.J. O'ROURKE

Modern Manners

Tags: P. J. O'Rourke


Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

DEMETRI MARTIN

attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes


We are young only once, after that we need some other excuse.

ANONYMOUS


My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

MITCH HEDBERG

attributed, The Ultimate Book of Quotations


Climate change could eventually wipe out crops like strawberries and grapes. Even worse, that means edible arrangements will soon be 100 percent cantaloupe.

JIMMY FALLON

The Tonight Show, March 8, 2018

Tags: Jimmy Fallon