funny quotes & quotations
I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.
DEMETRI MARTIN
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stand-up routine
I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.
ANONYMOUS
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG
attributed, The Ultimate Book of Quotations
Life begins at 40--but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person three or four times.
HELEN ROWLAND
attributed, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes
If no one ever took risks, Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor.
NEIL SIMON
attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes
We are young only once, after that we need some other excuse.
ANONYMOUS
It's spring break! Just remember, the partying lasts a week, but the photos will cost you jobs forever.
JIMMY FALLON
The Tonight Show, March 15, 2018
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
ANONYMOUS
Of course Santa is dead, you force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?
JIMMY KIMMEL
Jimmy Kimmel Live, October 5, 2017
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
MARK TWAIN
editorial, Hartford Courant, Aug. 24, 1897
Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.
HELEN ROWLAND
For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.
RAY ROMANO
stand-up routine
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
LOUISE BEAL
attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes