American talk show host (1947- )
Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Sep. 21, 2011
I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Sep. 24, 2012
I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.
DAVID LETTERMAN
to Bill O'Reilly in discussion about the supposed War on Christmas, "In Letterman appearance, O'Reilly repeated false claim that school changed Silent Night lyrics", Media Matters for America, January 4, 2006
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
DAVID LETTERMAN
New York Observer, September 9, 1991
Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, December 19, 2014
According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Jan. 11, 2012
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, November 10, 2014
Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Sep. 27, 2011
There is no off position on the genius switch.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death -- though they say it's virtually impossible to get decent Chinese food.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, October 13, 2014
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Feb. 9, 1984
Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, January 8, 2015
Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I've been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It's great to be alive.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, January 13, 2015
And how about Jennifer Lopez in that dress at the Golden Globes? The referees ruled it incomplete.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, January 12, 2015
Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.
DAVID LETTERMAN
The Late Show with David Letterman, Feb. 13, 2012
They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, October 3, 2014
The creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who worked for me on this show. Now, my response to that is yes I have. I have had sex with women who worked on this show. Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would, especially for the women.
DAVID LETTERMAN
addressing an extortion scandal that led him to bare his infidelities on the show in 2009, "10 memorable quotes from David Letterman", CBS News, April 4, 2014
A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don't think there will be a second date.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Sep. 6, 2011
I love autumn in New York City: The yellows, the browns, and the rust -- and that's just the drinking water.... Here in New York City, the leaves turn -- and run.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Sep. 7, 2011
Chinese authorities have seized 30,000 tons of what? Chicken feet. Because they're tainted. Well, there goes my cookout.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, August 28, 2014