DAVID LETTERMAN QUOTES

American talk show host (1947- )

I love autumn in New York City: The yellows, the browns, and the rust -- and that's just the drinking water.... Here in New York City, the leaves turn -- and run.

DAVID LETTERMAN, Late Show with David Letterman, Sep. 7, 2011

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Tags: autumn


New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

DAVID LETTERMAN, Late Show with David Letterman, Feb. 9, 1984

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Tags: New York


Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.

DAVID LETTERMAN, Late Show with David Letterman, Sep. 27, 2011

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New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?

DAVID LETTERMAN, Late Show with David Letterman, Jul. 27, 2011

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A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don't think there will be a second date.

DAVID LETTERMAN, Late Show with David Letterman, Sep. 6, 2011

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Tags: eating


According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.

DAVID LETTERMAN, Late Show with David Letterman, Jan. 11, 2012

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Tags: divorce


Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.

DAVID LETTERMAN, Late Show with David Letterman, Sep. 21, 2011

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Tags: war


In New York, we're out of road salt. So for the next big storm they have to use parmesan cheese.

DAVID LETTERMAN, Late Show with David Letterman, Oct. 31, 2011

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I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.

DAVID LETTERMAN, Late Show with David Letterman, Sep. 24, 2012

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The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

DAVID LETTERMAN, Late Show with David Letterman, Dec. 18, 2012

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Tags: old age


I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.

DAVID LETTERMAN, Late Show with David Letterman, Nov. 1, 2011

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Tags: Halloween


Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

DAVID LETTERMAN, Late Show with David Letterman, Oct. 31, 2011

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Tags: shopping


It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.

DAVID LETTERMAN, Late Show with David Letterman, Mar. 20, 2012

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Tags: spring


Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.

DAVID LETTERMAN, Late Show with David Letterman, Aug. 20, 2012

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Tags: republicans


Bring Your Child to Work Day -- that's how we got George W. Bush.

DAVID LETTERMAN, Late Show with David Letterman, Apr. 26, 2012

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Tags: George W. Bush


The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.... I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.

DAVID LETTERMAN, Late Show with David Letterman, Sep. 8, 2011

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Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, "Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"

DAVID LETTERMAN, Late Show with David Letterman, Nov. 4, 2011

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Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.

DAVID LETTERMAN, The Late Show with David Letterman, Feb. 13, 2012

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Tags: Valentine's Day


Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

DAVID LETTERMAN, The Late Show with David Letterman

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Tags: Los Angeles


I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.

DAVID LETTERMAN, to Bill O'Reilly in discussion about the supposed War on Christmas, "In Letterman appearance, O'Reilly repeated false claim that school changed Silent Night lyrics", Media Matters for America, January 4, 2006

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