DAVID LETTERMAN QUOTES II

American talk show host (1947- )

It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony -- it's not covered by Obamacare.

DAVID LETTERMAN

Late Show with David Letterman, December 8, 2014

Tags: Barack Obama


New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?

DAVID LETTERMAN

Late Show with David Letterman, Jul. 27, 2011


I'm so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas.

DAVID LETTERMAN

Late Show with David Letterman, December 15, 2014


Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.

DAVID LETTERMAN

Late Show with David Letterman, December 10, 2014


Be careful if you go to Disneyland. There's an outbreak of measles. They have traced the disease to Donald Duck running around without his pants.

DAVID LETTERMAN

Late Show with David Letterman, January 14, 2015


Yesterday was going to be a historic blizzard. And when you get information like this, you make mistakes. Boy, is my face red. Last night, at the last minute before the supermarket closed, I wrestled a lady for the last Lean Cuisine.

DAVID LETTERMAN

Late Show with David Letterman, January 27, 2015


Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.

DAVID LETTERMAN

Late Show with David Letterman, September 10, 2014


George W. Bush has a new campaign slogan: "A reformer with results." I don't know what it means [but] I think it's better than his old campaign slogan: "A dumb guy with connections."

DAVID LETTERMAN

The Late Show, 2000

Tags: George W. Bush


Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.

DAVID LETTERMAN

Late Show with David Letterman, Aug. 20, 2012

Tags: republicans


What we know about Osama Bin Laden is this: he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and twenty-six kids -- and he hates Americans for their "excessive" lifestyle.

DAVID LETTERMAN

attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes


At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7.

DAVID LETTERMAN

Late Show with David Letterman, September 9, 2014


I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.

DAVID LETTERMAN

Late Show with David Letterman, Nov. 1, 2011

Tags: Halloween


Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

DAVID LETTERMAN

Late Show with David Letterman, Oct. 31, 2011

Tags: shopping


Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.

DAVID LETTERMAN

attributed, Quotable Quotes: Wit and Wisdom from the Greatest Minds of Our Time


You ask yourself, "What would Jesus tweet?"

DAVID LETTERMAN

"Top Ten Signs You Spend Too Much Time on Twitter", The Late Show

Tags: Jesus


I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.

DAVID LETTERMAN

attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes

Tags: birds


Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, "Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"

DAVID LETTERMAN

Late Show with David Letterman, Nov. 4, 2011


Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.

DAVID LETTERMAN

"Top Ten Sleep Recommendations From The National Sleep Foundation", Late Show with David Letterman, February 3, 2015

Tags: prostitution


Bring Your Child to Work Day -- that's how we got George W. Bush.

DAVID LETTERMAN

Late Show with David Letterman, Apr. 26, 2012

Tags: George W. Bush


Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056.

DAVID LETTERMAN

Late Show with David Letterman, September 29, 2014