RITA RUDNER QUOTES

American comedian (1953- )

Rita Rudner quote

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"

RITA RUDNER, stand-up routine

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Tags: marriage


It's typical of the differences in a man's life and a woman's A man is allowed to wear boxer shorts that tickle his knees. A woman has to wear a slingshot.

RITA RUDNER, I Still Have It ... I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It

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Tags: fashion


I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

RITA RUDNER, official website

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Tags: shopping


Buying something on sale is a special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it's worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?

RITA RUDNER, stand-up routine

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How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

RITA RUDNER, attributed, Oh Baby, I'm Having a Baby!

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Tags: pregnancy


We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going.

RITA RUDNER, stand-up routine

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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

RITA RUDNER, stand-up routine

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Tags: marriage


We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and ... get more feet.

RITA RUDNER, "Real Estate", Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist

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Tags: dogs


If you're over fifty and still in front of the cameras, you'd better be blonder than angel food cake and thinner than angel hair pasta.

RITA RUDNER, I Still Have It ... I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It

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Tags: age


News flash. My favorite color is no longer pink. It is purple. Purple is the new pink. Brown is the new black and blue is the new white. Also stars are the new stripes and circles are the new squares. I feel sorry for people who are currently making flags. It's all so confusing.

RITA RUDNER, interview, Huffington Post, March 18, 2013

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Tags: color


I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.

RITA RUDNER, stand-up routine

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When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

RITA RUDNER, stand-up routine

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My mother was the worst cook ever; in school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.

RITA RUDNER, stand-up routine

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Tags: cooking


I took over a room at the MGM Grand -- one show had moved out and its replacement wasn't coming together as quickly as they had anticipated. So they asked me whether I would like to play there for six weeks. Well, I always like to say yes as it sounds much better than no. The show was a sell-out and the run lasted six months. Then they booked some naked women from France and they needed to build new dressing rooms or something. I said: "They're naked, they don't need dressing rooms," but no-one would listen to me.

RITA RUDNER, interview, The Jewish Chronicle, May 12, 2011

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I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

RITA RUDNER, stand-up routine

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Tags: sleep


Twitter has allowed me to air topical jokes that occur to me. However, it's also occurred to me that I don't get paid to do this, so I'm sporadic.

RITA RUDNER, interview, Huffington Post, March 18, 2013

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Well, the old theory was "marry an older man because they're more mature". But the new theory is "men don't mature -- marry a young one".

RITA RUDNER, Best of the Improv, Vol. 3, 2003

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Tags: marriage


Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.

RITA RUDNER, Naked Beneath My Clothes

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Tags: pregnancy


If I go into a hospital, I want to come out looking younger.

RITA RUDNER, Tickled Pink: A Comic Novel

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Tags: plastic surgery


I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

RITA RUDNER, stand-up routine

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Tags: dogs