JAY LENO QUOTES

American comedian & television host (1950- )

Jay Leno quote

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show

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Tags: voting


For the first time ever, women are scoring higher than men on IQ tests. Scientists say it has something to do with breast implants -- not that it makes the women smarter, it just makes the men dumber.

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show, July 19, 2012

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Tags: women


Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because "the states could do a gooder job."

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show, September 7, 2011

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Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show, October 20, 2006

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Tags: Stephen Hawking


President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way -- liquored up in a cheap hotel room.

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show

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Tags: cloning


Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show

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Tags: divorce


The entire spring and summer line from Marc Jacobs was stolen on the way to the fashion show in Paris. The thief is considered armed and fabulous.

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show, November 17, 2011

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Tags: fashion


The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show, September 7, 2011

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Tags: republicans


Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show, February 19, 2007

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Now they're saying all this terrorist activity could lead to higher oil prices. When asked why, the oil companies said, "Cause everything leads to higher oil prices." In fact, the price of crude oil could hit $80 a barrel. That's not crude -- that's obscene.

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show, 2006

1 likes

Tags: oil


According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair?

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show

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Tags: death penalty


A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that "less than no one" thinks they're doing a good job.

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show, October 6, 2011

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Tags: Congress


Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show, January 12, 2012

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Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show

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Tags: dinosaurs


According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show, October 27, 2011

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Tags: Barack Obama


Here's an uplifting story. Congratulations to the Little League team from Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, they beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. That's pretty good. See, that proves that when math and science aren't involved, our kids can beat anybody.

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show, August 29, 2011

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Tags: baseball


Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren't famous, she would be a teacher. So thank God she's famous.

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show, August 29, 2011

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Tags: Britney Spears


According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show, January 4, 2012

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Tags: Apocalypse


Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver's mind. I already know what I'm going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy's mind.

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show, September 29, 2011

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Tags: cars


There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it's safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.

JAY LENO, The Tonight Show, January 12, 2012

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Tags: Coca-Cola