JAY LENO QUOTES III
American comedian & television host (1950- )
The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, September 7, 2011
Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned but I just like coloring the eggs.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, April 6, 2012
A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that's science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now?
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, January 31, 2012
Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show
Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, May 4, 2011
An intruder broke into Mike Tyson's hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don't know what's scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you're sleeping or breaking into someone else's room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, January 9, 2012
Here's the latest from the Pentagon -- the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts; Afghanistan and Fox News.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 22, 2009
Well, Joe Biden has done it again. He showed up at the White House Passover Seder with a bunch of ham sandwiches.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, March 30, 2010
A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, September 26, 2011
According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 27, 2011
Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show
A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush.... At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, May 12, 2006
Starbuck's is going to start selling instant coffee. This is for people who want the quality of Sanka, but want to pay the high Starbuck's price.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 2, 2009
A New York doctor has finished a five year study on what smells have the biggest effect on New Yorkers. The smell New Yorkers like the most: vanilla. The smell New Yorkers like the least: New Jersey.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, March 30, 2010
In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items -- like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 4, 2011
British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 31, 2011
According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The good news: Maybe all those jobs that went over there will finally come back.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, February 10, 2012
In the NFL, 31 players have been arrested just since the Super Bowl. In fact, a lot of teams are switching to the no-huddle offense because players aren't allowed to associate with known felons.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, July 8, 2013
Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, August 30, 2011
I had a dog that was so lazy, he had a prerecorded bark.
JAY LENO
Jay Leno's How to Be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World