JAY LENO QUOTES III
American comedian & television host (1950- )
Starbuck's is going to start selling instant coffee. This is for people who want the quality of Sanka, but want to pay the high Starbuck's price.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 2, 2009
Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver's mind. I already know what I'm going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy's mind.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, September 29, 2011
There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, November 18, 2011
The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, April 4, 2012
The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, September 7, 2011
A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that's science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now?
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, January 31, 2012
Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, May 4, 2011
Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show
The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can't hurt us again until tomorrow.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, August 8, 2011
Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, December 23, 2009
Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned but I just like coloring the eggs.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, April 6, 2012
Here's the latest from the Pentagon -- the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts; Afghanistan and Fox News.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 22, 2009
Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, August 30, 2011
According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 27, 2011
According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The good news: Maybe all those jobs that went over there will finally come back.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, February 10, 2012
A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush.... At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, May 12, 2006
Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 4, 2011
The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, April 26, 2012
Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, April 19, 2007
Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren't famous, she would be a teacher. So thank God she's famous.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, August 29, 2011