JAY LENO QUOTES IV
American comedian & television host (1950- )
I had a dog that was so lazy, he had a prerecorded bark.
JAY LENO
Jay Leno's How to Be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World
Those two pilots that sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis destination have been suspended. They got suspended because they were looking at their laptops instead of flying the plane. Think about this -- everybody else on the plane has to turn off their laptops except for the people flying the plane.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 27, 2009
The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, April 26, 2012
In South Korea, a scientist considered to be one of the pioneers in the field of cloning has been sentenced to two years in prison. At least, they think it's him ...
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 27, 2009
Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren't famous, she would be a teacher. So thank God she's famous.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, August 29, 2011
The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, June 13, 2011
Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, January 12, 2012
Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 4, 2011
According to The New York Times, the mob has now gotten into Medicare fraud. But the good news is, when they do break your legs there's a good chance you're covered.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 12, 2009
The Pennsylvania Game Commission has charged a man with going deer hunting with a handgun in a Wal-Mart parking lot. He is being charged with reckless endangerment, but may plead guilty to the lesser charge of being a redneck.... Hunting in a Wal-Mart parking lot. That's got to be some good eating -- a deer that lives on leftover Twizzlers and Mountain Dew.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, March 28, 2013
Supporters of Osama bin Laden want to rename the Arabian Sea after bin Laden's death. They want to call it "Martyr's Sea." Please, hiding in your bedroom for six years with the blinds closed? How about "Chicken of the Sea?"
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, May 6, 2011
I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada".
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, June 24, 2005
Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, April 19, 2007
Republicans are always criticizing President Obama for using the teleprompter. Is that a big deal? After eight years of George Bush, I'm glad we have a president that can read.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, January 28, 2010
I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then? Ten grand?
JAY LENO
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
A review of studies by physicians found that excessive exercise is bad for your heart. Another study says a daily serving of chocolate is actually good for your heart. That's got to make next year New Year's resolution easier to keep. "I'm going to exercise less. Eat a little more chocolate."
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, Jun. 6, 2012
Politics is just show business for ugly people.
JAY LENO
attributed, Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations
A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, July 23, 2012
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show
Of course, Republicans still can't believe that Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. But then Democrats can't believe that Sarah Palin wrote a book.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 14, 2009