JAY LENO QUOTES II
American comedian & television host (1950- )
A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that "less than no one" thinks they're doing a good job.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 6, 2011
I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 4, 2008
A 66-year-old deputy U. S. attorney general in South Carolina named Roland Corning lost his job after police discovered him at a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, a bag of sex toys, and a bottle of Viagra. To be fair, people do grieve differently.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 29, 2009
Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, January 6, 2010
Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, February 19, 2007
Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, February 21, 2012
The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, February 13, 2012
The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, June 29, 2012
The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, April 4, 2012
Here's an uplifting story. Congratulations to the Little League team from Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, they beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. That's pretty good. See, that proves that when math and science aren't involved, our kids can beat anybody.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, August 29, 2011
We should make politicians dress like race car drivers -- when they get money, make them wear the company logos on their suit.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 2, 2009
The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can't hurt us again until tomorrow.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, August 8, 2011
The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, March 26, 2012
The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, April 24, 2012
Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, December 23, 2009
Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver's mind. I already know what I'm going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy's mind.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, September 29, 2011
ESPN has announced that they are launching a 3-D sports network. Industry analysts say this will absolutely revolutionize the way Americans don't watch soccer.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, January 8, 2010
There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, November 18, 2011
Wikipedia was offline after an overheating problem at one of its data centers. It was pretty bad. For a while there, people had nowhere to go for phony, inaccurate information.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, March 26, 2010
You know how you can tell if a gas station is price-gouging? If the sign says "Open".
JAY LENO
Tonight Show, 2007